December 1st, 2011 - One of the craziest and scariest days of my life. We woke up to the wind howling outside. I knew it was going to be rough getting Beckett to school that morning because he is afraid of the wind. Also, Matt had school that morning so I was flying solo. I decided that it was going to be okay to be late to school that morning. We took our time getting dressed and mentally prepared to go out the door. The power went out before we woke up, so that meant I had to go outside and open the garage doors by my own power. I am so grateful for electric garage door openers. That thing was so heavy and hard to lift. At one point, I almost said, "Forget it! He will just miss school today." I eventually got it open - Anabelle and I had to get breakfast since the power was out anyways. We drove to Beckett's school, only to find a telephone pole leaning towards the street, hanging only by the wires attached to it. There was a cop car parked in the middle of the street to prevent anyone from driving under it. Well, I turned around and went the other direction to his school. As I pulled into the parking lot, I noticed there were only a handful of cars in the parking lot, and they were all starting to pull out and leave. I put two and two together and realized that school was canceled that day. BK breakfast for everybody!
Driving in the wind was one of the most frightening things I have ever done. Billboards had lost their signs and tons of big debris flying all over. White knuckles the whole way. We went to a Burger King attached to a gas station (the one closer to us had no power either, which I found out after I got the kids out of the car and through the door of the place. grrrr). We had a nice, leisurely breakfast of french toast sticks, one of the best breakfast inventions ever. When we were finally done, I took a deep breath and braved the wind one more time to go home. Our house was pretty cold without power, especially because the power went off just before the heater was supposed to come on in the morning and heat the house back up to its day time temperature. Couldn't it have just waited a half hour to go out? I mean really? I tried to think of what we could do to waste some time and keep warm and came up with the idea to put up the tent in the living room. The kids would love it and hopefully it would consolidate heat inside the tent and keep us warmer a little longer. I called our friend Livia and invited her and Aspen to come over for our "camping trip". I wanted to make sure they had somewhere warm to be, but really, I just needed a sane adult to be with me to keep me calm. I had a very hard time handling the storm. I kept envisioning the huge trees in our back yard falling over or breaking the power lines that run through them. Part of our fence was already down, and some of our shingles had blown off. I was sure those trees were going to come down next and it really scared me. It also didn't help that we could hear the wind really well inside our house because our windows are a joke. They are so bad that the curtains were moving because the wind was coming through them. I was really frazzled. Livia and Aspen coming was such a blessing. (Sorry for being terrible company, Livia.)
On the plus side, the tent idea worked. It was noticeably warmer inside the tent and the kids had a ball. Also the wind started to die down not long after our guests arrived. We talked and kept the kids happy with cereal until it was time for Livia and Aspen to go. After they left, I realized that the house was just too cold to stay in any longer. Lucky for us, a friend invited us to her sister's house that had power. I braved driving again, which really wasn't bad but I was a basket case at this point. The kids played with all of the other kids there and had a great time. I just sat in a chair with my coat on the whole time and didn't talk much. I was totally checked out mentally, plus I felt like I was never going to get warm again. I tried to keep conversation going with my friend Sharice, but I just couldn't focus. After Sharice asked me if I was okay, I decided I needed to calm down and relax. I don't think I was able to really relax until I climbed into bed at my brother's house that night. I felt embarrassed about how much the storm affected me. Once I heard how bad the wind really was (hurricane levels), I didn't feel as embarrassed.
I figured there was no school the next day. I thought our power was still out and Davis county's schools were closed, so Ogden should be too. I was wrong. We had power and they had school that day. Funny how the day of the storm I did everything I could to get Beckett to school, and then end up missing the day that he did have it. Oh well. We enjoyed our free day just the same, and were very relieved to find no more damage had been done than the bit of fence that was down and some shingles that were on the ground instead of on our roof.
I was surprised how the kids weren't bothered by the storm, not even Beckett was upset after some pep talk. It has made me think about the scripture about becoming as a little child. Here they were in an unpleasant situation, even scary, but they were happy and not worried, because they were with Mom. They didn't whine about how unfair it was that this was happening to them. They didn't wish it away. They didn't even complain about it (I am sure playing in the tent had to do with that). They just knew that everything was fine. They had faith that I would protect them, that they would be safe no matter what. It sheds a new light on how I handled that day. I spent the day praying in my mind that those trees wouldn't come down and that our house would be protected, but never felt like it was enough. I just needed to keep praying about it, as if he couldn't hear me over all of the other people praying for the exact same thing that day. Shouldn't one sincere prayer be enough? Shouldn't I have prayed and then trusted or had faith in Heavenly Father that it was going to be okay? Even if we did loose our roof or one of those trees did come down, wouldn't Heavenly Father have taken care of us? And this goes for other problems that come up in life. I find myself having pity parties and "Woe is me" moments all the time. I guess I need to take this lesson from my kids and just trust that everything is fine. No matter what storms blow around me, I will be fine, as long as I am with my Heavenly Father.
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Confession
I have debated putting this on here, but here we go: Beckett has Asperger's, a high functioning form of Autism. We found out this spring/summer. His preschool teachers told us that they had noticed some things that he did at school that were characteristic of Asperger's, but they didn't know for sure. They suggested we have the school district's Early Intervention program test him. It took 3 different testing sessions. The first one was just standard testing to make sure he was on track for where he should be developmentally, and if there were any red flags, we would proceed from there. He was average for his age, but there were some Autism flags that showed up. They were things that I had just thought were unique, Beckett characteristics (him running place for a second or two before taking off), not symptoms of something else. When I got home from that first day of testing, I just bawled on my mom's shoulder. It was a hard pill to swallow. After I got my breath back, we sat down and talked it out some. I started to realize what a blessing it is to now know why he wont eat many foods, why he throws fits about stuff that make no sense, why he has a complete meltdown in loud, public places. Things that made no sense before now had a reason. It was, and still is, hard to think of my baby as having a problem, but at least now I can find ways to help him cope with it, and the rest of us as well.
The second day of testing was a month later and was mostly just me answering like 300 questions. I don't think I am exaggerating much (Beckett's principal gave me a fist bump when he heard I did that test to tell me that I was a trouper for doing it). They asked me stuff that I had no idea about, like does he use the word "between". I don't know. How am I supposed to know that? Who pays attention to that kind of stuff to begin with? Maybe better parents than me, which probably isn't hard to be. I also had to give his preschool teachers their own bazillion questions to fill out and return to the psychologist.
After all of those questions, they totaled all of the answers up and decided that he needed further examining, so they called me back to do a 3rd round of testing that involved the psychologist playing with him directly, while another psychologist watched and observed. I was in the room watching as well. I noticed things I had never noticed before. When the psychologist would ask Beckett questions directly about him, (i.e. What's your favorite toy?) he would completely ignore her, as if she hadn't said a thing. He just kept playing. When she asked questions that involved other people, (i.e. What do you like to do with your family?) he would respond most of the time. When asked to explain how to do things, like wash your face, he again acted like she didn't say anything. All of this reminded me of when Anabelle was born. He acted like she wasn't there. Not like how other kids that resent their new siblings do, but as if she really didn't exist. If I were nursing her, he would sit on my lap as if there was nothing there. He wouldn't sit on her or stuff like that, he just didn't see her as there. It's hard to explain. This realization was actually relieving to me. I had been feeling like maybe he wasn't born with it and that maybe I had failed him as a mother. I haven't been one to push learning. I didn't sit down and have school time each day, or take him on field trips, or any of the other stuff that other moms seem to do to help their kids develop properly. I started going to story time when Beckett was over 3 1/2, and only because I had become a hermit due to my depression and I had to force myself to leave my house at least once a week. I never did craft projects with my kids, only once in a great while. I have never had a set schedule. Every day is a "get dressed when you want" kind of day. I was afraid that all these things that I didn't do, that every other mom seemed to know how to do, was the cause of his Autism. But realizing that he had it all along, helped me realize that maybe I wasn't such a screw-up after all. Yes, I could have done all of those things, but it wouldn't have changed that he has Asperger's.
About a month after all of the testing, we met with the psychologist again and someone from the district to talk about where he fit on the Autism spectrum. He is actually high functioning for Asperger's, which is already high functioning for Autism. So that means that really no one would know that he has Asperger's, unless they knew what to look for. He could lead a pretty normal life, especially with training on how to manage the symptoms of Autism that he does have. That was a great relief to us to know that he can live a fulfilling life and wouldn't need to be dependent on us because of his Autism. They also said he will probably be an engineer of some kind and that he will make more money than anyone in that room. I was pretty excited to know that we could be dependent on him to pay for our retirement. :)
*I want to add a note here that we have decided not to tell other children, like cousins and friends, about his Asperger's, because they don't need to know, unless something serious happens and it needs to be explained. He isn't that different and knowing might cause them to treat him differently. So to any family members and friends that read this (all 3 of you), please don't say anything to your children about his Asperger's. We would greatly appreciate it.*
I guess I am telling everyone about this more as a form of therapy, getting it out there and out of me. For the most part, it really hasn't been too hard to handle, but there definitely are days that are difficult. I also wanted to say something on here because in some of the updates I have been putting off, I can say more things that I want to say about them, specifically our Lake Powell trip and Beckett's school experiences. You wouldn't quite understand why it is such a big deal that he rode in the speedboat without a complete meltdown, if you didn't know that loud noises really upset him. He did melt, but not completely. I want to be able to share the times that he makes big advances and have others to share in my joys. I might whine a little on here too. I'll try not to do it much though, because no one wants to read my depressing ramblings for very long. I can guarantee that.
One last thing I want to say is that since finding out and then sharing this with others, I have felt an overwhelming feeling of love and support from lots of different people. People have given me advice or talked to someone they know that works with Autistic children and gotten advice or their phone numbers for me. They have let me just talk about it as I am still processing everything about it. I haven't felt like anybody is treating me or Beckett differently because he is Autistic. In some of the reading I have found, a support group is essential for parents of Autistic children, and I am so lucky to have already started to find so many willing to stand up and help us out. We have been truly blessed to have you all in our lives.
The second day of testing was a month later and was mostly just me answering like 300 questions. I don't think I am exaggerating much (Beckett's principal gave me a fist bump when he heard I did that test to tell me that I was a trouper for doing it). They asked me stuff that I had no idea about, like does he use the word "between". I don't know. How am I supposed to know that? Who pays attention to that kind of stuff to begin with? Maybe better parents than me, which probably isn't hard to be. I also had to give his preschool teachers their own bazillion questions to fill out and return to the psychologist.
After all of those questions, they totaled all of the answers up and decided that he needed further examining, so they called me back to do a 3rd round of testing that involved the psychologist playing with him directly, while another psychologist watched and observed. I was in the room watching as well. I noticed things I had never noticed before. When the psychologist would ask Beckett questions directly about him, (i.e. What's your favorite toy?) he would completely ignore her, as if she hadn't said a thing. He just kept playing. When she asked questions that involved other people, (i.e. What do you like to do with your family?) he would respond most of the time. When asked to explain how to do things, like wash your face, he again acted like she didn't say anything. All of this reminded me of when Anabelle was born. He acted like she wasn't there. Not like how other kids that resent their new siblings do, but as if she really didn't exist. If I were nursing her, he would sit on my lap as if there was nothing there. He wouldn't sit on her or stuff like that, he just didn't see her as there. It's hard to explain. This realization was actually relieving to me. I had been feeling like maybe he wasn't born with it and that maybe I had failed him as a mother. I haven't been one to push learning. I didn't sit down and have school time each day, or take him on field trips, or any of the other stuff that other moms seem to do to help their kids develop properly. I started going to story time when Beckett was over 3 1/2, and only because I had become a hermit due to my depression and I had to force myself to leave my house at least once a week. I never did craft projects with my kids, only once in a great while. I have never had a set schedule. Every day is a "get dressed when you want" kind of day. I was afraid that all these things that I didn't do, that every other mom seemed to know how to do, was the cause of his Autism. But realizing that he had it all along, helped me realize that maybe I wasn't such a screw-up after all. Yes, I could have done all of those things, but it wouldn't have changed that he has Asperger's.
About a month after all of the testing, we met with the psychologist again and someone from the district to talk about where he fit on the Autism spectrum. He is actually high functioning for Asperger's, which is already high functioning for Autism. So that means that really no one would know that he has Asperger's, unless they knew what to look for. He could lead a pretty normal life, especially with training on how to manage the symptoms of Autism that he does have. That was a great relief to us to know that he can live a fulfilling life and wouldn't need to be dependent on us because of his Autism. They also said he will probably be an engineer of some kind and that he will make more money than anyone in that room. I was pretty excited to know that we could be dependent on him to pay for our retirement. :)
*I want to add a note here that we have decided not to tell other children, like cousins and friends, about his Asperger's, because they don't need to know, unless something serious happens and it needs to be explained. He isn't that different and knowing might cause them to treat him differently. So to any family members and friends that read this (all 3 of you), please don't say anything to your children about his Asperger's. We would greatly appreciate it.*
I guess I am telling everyone about this more as a form of therapy, getting it out there and out of me. For the most part, it really hasn't been too hard to handle, but there definitely are days that are difficult. I also wanted to say something on here because in some of the updates I have been putting off, I can say more things that I want to say about them, specifically our Lake Powell trip and Beckett's school experiences. You wouldn't quite understand why it is such a big deal that he rode in the speedboat without a complete meltdown, if you didn't know that loud noises really upset him. He did melt, but not completely. I want to be able to share the times that he makes big advances and have others to share in my joys. I might whine a little on here too. I'll try not to do it much though, because no one wants to read my depressing ramblings for very long. I can guarantee that.
One last thing I want to say is that since finding out and then sharing this with others, I have felt an overwhelming feeling of love and support from lots of different people. People have given me advice or talked to someone they know that works with Autistic children and gotten advice or their phone numbers for me. They have let me just talk about it as I am still processing everything about it. I haven't felt like anybody is treating me or Beckett differently because he is Autistic. In some of the reading I have found, a support group is essential for parents of Autistic children, and I am so lucky to have already started to find so many willing to stand up and help us out. We have been truly blessed to have you all in our lives.
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